If you haven’t read part one of this story, you can read it here.
The next couple of years were spent seeing psychiatric nurses, psychiatrists, psychologists and they all got me moving forwards again. This great work was set back when I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship that was the stuff of nightmares. I found the courage to escape after a year of mental torture and haven’t looked back.
I moved closer to my parents so I could lean on them for emotional support when I needed it and continued to “find myself “. I started to make friends which meant there was occasional socialising and of course alcohol. I would immediately become the life and soul of the party, people thought I was great fun and funny but it would always leave me so drained afterwards and I’d need to crawl back into my safe zone and recuperate for days or weeks.
I was seeing a new psychologist at this time, she focused on sexual assault survivors. She was BRILLIANT! I would have her in hysterics at times with my humour – this is my go-to tool for getting through hard stuff. One day she asked me if I’d ever heard of HSPs, she felt I may be one. I hadn’t and so she put me onto where I could find out more.
Back home, get on the internet, find the magical place of information, read through the “Are you a HSP” list and my eyes became wide and I felt like I’d witnessed a miracle. It took no time to realise so much of who I was made much more sense. Books, I need books, I need to know everything. The more I read, the more I felt validated, I made sense. With all the new information I delved deep into myself to see if this could be true. The sky cleared, the birds sang, was this a brighter place to be?
I was only part way there.
On social media, introverts were starting to find their voice. Memes, inspirational messages and the like popped up everywhere. The more I saw, the more I started to wonder, “surely I’m not an introvert, I will read all the things and see what I can conclude”.
Lo and behold, this fits me like a glove. Wait…What? How is this so? I’m a fucked up extrovert, aren’t I? It would seem not.
I need to read more of the things, WHY do I think this falsehood?
Oh! Right! Bourbon, rum, whiskey, gin…. *lightbulb moment*
*thinks more things*
And this was when I realised and acknowledged that I was a binge drinker and this had created the monster. The worst part of acknowledging this was also realising that this fact also meant that I was an alcoholic. Damn!
As I have always wanted to live a life which is true to myself, I decided the alcohol needed to go. As a binge drinker, it is easier to do than say, someone who drinks each day, at all times. I just choose not to drink. One drink leads to many drinks. Now I don’t have the one drink, I still have moments where I think it would be ‘nice’ to have one but it’s not worth ending up on that slippery slope.
So I wanted to learn more about my introversion and used the MBTI® Instrument. INFJ! *reads about INFJs, has mind blown*
“Hello Wendy, I’ve found you.”
With all the labels in my hand, I searched high and I searched low in my mind to find a new perspective.
*cue angels singing and unicorns pooping rainbows*
And here I am. Still reorganising the boxes in my mind, repacking things into an orderly state and tossing out antiquated belief systems. It is still very much a work in progress but I’m enjoying the ride because I finally feel as though I make sense.
Being an INFJ is a little weird, largely due to all the contradictions of this type but that makes it all more interesting in getting to know myself. I do struggle with some things, and these labels make for unusual thoughts and interactions with others which will become apparent in my future musings.
Note: I had done the MBTI® Instrument some years back and got the same results and fobbed it off as being broken. I still thought I was an extrovert back then. And I also did the MBTI® Instrument as part of a job interview which gave the same results.
I was younger and more ignorant back then.